Saturday, September 6, 2014

Dear next-door neighbors

Dear next-door neighbors,
Your dog hasn't stopped barking for several hours and quite frankly it's making me more than a little bonkers...and a bonkers Lyndie is a bad thing, trust me. Judging by the cars in your driveway and on your lawn at least one of you must be home so quieting your dog would be a kind of nice thing to do, but if you don't want to then please remember while I can be a bitch, Karma is a worse one.
Thoughtfully yours,
The Karma loving bitch next-door

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Dear Fox Network

Dear Fox Network,
Thank you for bringing the new reality show Utopia to your viewing audience. I'm sure my addiction to the live feeds will translate nicely to the twice-weekly broadcast episodes. I'm looking forward to the day when Dave and Red are gone as they are loose cannons in the compound even though I am sure that the ex-con and the marijuana grower teaming up to create chaos is probably ratings gold, I'd still rather watch Bella meltdown and cry then to watch Dave and Red destroy canned food in a fit of rage over radishes and sweet potatoes.
Good luck with your new series, I hope it brings in many viewers.
The woman who used to have a life before internet live feeds of reality shows

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Dear Edgar

Dear Spleen, or as you prefer to be called, Edgar,
I have no idea why you are acting up today as I have been very sensitive to your needs for so long. I eat clean and healthy, try to get regular exercise and rest as much as possible so why are you choosing today to aggravate me? I really don't have time for this as I have a very full schedule today with homeschooling, cooking, cleaning and laundry. And why are you dragging the hip into your shenanigans? The hip has plenty to do today and doesn't need you to be distracting it. I'd appreciate it if you and the hip would get back to work and do you jobs so that I can do mine.
The Lyndie You Live In

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Dear Dairy and Sugar

Dear Dairy and Sugar,
     The time has come for me to bid you farewell. It has taken me 14 months to reap the benefits of saying goodbye to Wheat and now I'm ready to conquer the next phase of my healthy lifestyle changes.
    I will miss you most in my morning coffee, on taco night and on those days of indulgence when I reach for my beloved Talenti Salted Caramel Gelato. As hard as it will be on all of us, I know it is for the best. Be well my lifelong pals, be well.
With fondest memories,
A healthier Lyndie

Friday, July 18, 2014

Dear Friday

Dear Friday,
     Thank you for being here waiting for me! I see great adventures ahead in our time together today. We can start with some much needed housework, do a load or two of laundry and then enjoy some relaxing alone time out in the garden with a glass of iced tea and a good book. I also see a healthy and delicious home-cooked meal of Turkey Chili and GF cornbread with a small glass of my favorite Peach wine and a dessert of Salted Caramel Gelato. Yes Friday, I have saved all of my favorite foods and activities to share with you because as the gateway to the weekend you deserve to be celebrated!
     Saturday and Sunday, if you happen to be reading this, I want you to know that you will be celebrated this weekend in you own very special ways as well!
Aloha and Mahalo,
A happy and relaxed Lyndie

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Dear Insomnia

Dear Insomnia,
     Why do you have to be such a persistent little pecker? Sleep is a wonderful and necessary thing and every night you seem to find a way to keep it just out of my grasp. The cranky mood that comes from my constantly interrupted sleep is taking it's toll not only on me, but on my family and friends as well.  They appreciate how delightful and fun a fully rested Lyndie can be and they are anxious to have her back in their lives no matter the cost.
     I hereby declare war on you Insomnia and I'm about to open up a big can of "whoop ass" and fight you tooth and nail until I have your ass whipped and have kicked your uninvited ass to the curb.
Sluggishly yours,

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Dear Laundry

Dear Laundry,
     I've been washing, drying, folding and putting you away for nearly 40 years, since clearly there will be no end to you until I take my last breath I have decided to look into other avenues of dealing with you. I've narrowed down the choices to either hiring someone to deal with you for me or becoming a nudist and pretty much eliminating 90% of you.
     Hiring a laundress (and yes, they still exist) can be costly, as much as $20-$25 per hour which would strain my budget beyond it's already thin limits, but oh the joy of not having to deal with the never-ending cycle would bring me much delight.
     And then there is the nudist option, eschewing clothing all together and hanging out around the house in the altogether. The two issues I have with this idea are 1.) we have kids living at home and I'm pretty sure seeing their naked parents hanging out in the living room watching Nascar and reruns of Leverage all weekend would scar them for life and 2.) people tend to just pop by for a visit while they're in the neighborhood which might prove to be a tad awkward for them especially when we serve refreshments: "Hey, can I get you a drink?" followed by "whoops, sorry I dipped my tit in your wine".
     Okay so clearly these avenues are a bit flawed, so until I can think of a better solution I guess I'm stuck being my own damn laundress. Oh well, such is life.
Forever yours,