Dear next-door neighbors,
Your dog hasn't stopped barking for several hours and quite frankly it's making me more than a little bonkers...and a bonkers Lyndie is a bad thing, trust me. Judging by the cars in your driveway and on your lawn at least one of you must be home so quieting your dog would be a kind of nice thing to do, but if you don't want to then please remember while I can be a bitch, Karma is a worse one.
Thoughtfully yours,
The Karma loving bitch next-door
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Dear Fox Network
Dear Fox Network,
Thank you for bringing the new reality show Utopia to your viewing audience. I'm sure my addiction to the live feeds will translate nicely to the twice-weekly broadcast episodes. I'm looking forward to the day when Dave and Red are gone as they are loose cannons in the compound even though I am sure that the ex-con and the marijuana grower teaming up to create chaos is probably ratings gold, I'd still rather watch Bella meltdown and cry then to watch Dave and Red destroy canned food in a fit of rage over radishes and sweet potatoes.
Good luck with your new series, I hope it brings in many viewers.
Sincerely,
The woman who used to have a life before internet live feeds of reality shows
Thank you for bringing the new reality show Utopia to your viewing audience. I'm sure my addiction to the live feeds will translate nicely to the twice-weekly broadcast episodes. I'm looking forward to the day when Dave and Red are gone as they are loose cannons in the compound even though I am sure that the ex-con and the marijuana grower teaming up to create chaos is probably ratings gold, I'd still rather watch Bella meltdown and cry then to watch Dave and Red destroy canned food in a fit of rage over radishes and sweet potatoes.
Good luck with your new series, I hope it brings in many viewers.
Sincerely,
The woman who used to have a life before internet live feeds of reality shows
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Dear Edgar
Dear Spleen, or as you prefer to be called, Edgar,
I have no idea why you are acting up today as I have been very sensitive to your needs for so long. I eat clean and healthy, try to get regular exercise and rest as much as possible so why are you choosing today to aggravate me? I really don't have time for this as I have a very full schedule today with homeschooling, cooking, cleaning and laundry. And why are you dragging the hip into your shenanigans? The hip has plenty to do today and doesn't need you to be distracting it. I'd appreciate it if you and the hip would get back to work and do you jobs so that I can do mine.
Sincerely,
The Lyndie You Live In
I have no idea why you are acting up today as I have been very sensitive to your needs for so long. I eat clean and healthy, try to get regular exercise and rest as much as possible so why are you choosing today to aggravate me? I really don't have time for this as I have a very full schedule today with homeschooling, cooking, cleaning and laundry. And why are you dragging the hip into your shenanigans? The hip has plenty to do today and doesn't need you to be distracting it. I'd appreciate it if you and the hip would get back to work and do you jobs so that I can do mine.
Sincerely,
The Lyndie You Live In
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Dear Dairy and Sugar
Dear Dairy and Sugar,
The time has come for me to bid you farewell. It has taken me 14 months to reap the benefits of saying goodbye to Wheat and now I'm ready to conquer the next phase of my healthy lifestyle changes.
I will miss you most in my morning coffee, on taco night and on those days of indulgence when I reach for my beloved Talenti Salted Caramel Gelato. As hard as it will be on all of us, I know it is for the best. Be well my lifelong pals, be well.
With fondest memories,
A healthier Lyndie
The time has come for me to bid you farewell. It has taken me 14 months to reap the benefits of saying goodbye to Wheat and now I'm ready to conquer the next phase of my healthy lifestyle changes.
I will miss you most in my morning coffee, on taco night and on those days of indulgence when I reach for my beloved Talenti Salted Caramel Gelato. As hard as it will be on all of us, I know it is for the best. Be well my lifelong pals, be well.
With fondest memories,
A healthier Lyndie
Friday, July 18, 2014
Dear Friday
Dear Friday,
Thank you for being here waiting for me! I see great adventures ahead in our time together today. We can start with some much needed housework, do a load or two of laundry and then enjoy some relaxing alone time out in the garden with a glass of iced tea and a good book. I also see a healthy and delicious home-cooked meal of Turkey Chili and GF cornbread with a small glass of my favorite Peach wine and a dessert of Salted Caramel Gelato. Yes Friday, I have saved all of my favorite foods and activities to share with you because as the gateway to the weekend you deserve to be celebrated!
Saturday and Sunday, if you happen to be reading this, I want you to know that you will be celebrated this weekend in you own very special ways as well!
Aloha and Mahalo,
A happy and relaxed Lyndie
Thank you for being here waiting for me! I see great adventures ahead in our time together today. We can start with some much needed housework, do a load or two of laundry and then enjoy some relaxing alone time out in the garden with a glass of iced tea and a good book. I also see a healthy and delicious home-cooked meal of Turkey Chili and GF cornbread with a small glass of my favorite Peach wine and a dessert of Salted Caramel Gelato. Yes Friday, I have saved all of my favorite foods and activities to share with you because as the gateway to the weekend you deserve to be celebrated!
Saturday and Sunday, if you happen to be reading this, I want you to know that you will be celebrated this weekend in you own very special ways as well!
Aloha and Mahalo,
A happy and relaxed Lyndie
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Dear Insomnia
Dear Insomnia,
Why do you have to be such a persistent little pecker? Sleep is a wonderful and necessary thing and every night you seem to find a way to keep it just out of my grasp. The cranky mood that comes from my constantly interrupted sleep is taking it's toll not only on me, but on my family and friends as well. They appreciate how delightful and fun a fully rested Lyndie can be and they are anxious to have her back in their lives no matter the cost.
I hereby declare war on you Insomnia and I'm about to open up a big can of "whoop ass" and fight you tooth and nail until I have your ass whipped and have kicked your uninvited ass to the curb.
Sluggishly yours,
Lyndie
Why do you have to be such a persistent little pecker? Sleep is a wonderful and necessary thing and every night you seem to find a way to keep it just out of my grasp. The cranky mood that comes from my constantly interrupted sleep is taking it's toll not only on me, but on my family and friends as well. They appreciate how delightful and fun a fully rested Lyndie can be and they are anxious to have her back in their lives no matter the cost.
I hereby declare war on you Insomnia and I'm about to open up a big can of "whoop ass" and fight you tooth and nail until I have your ass whipped and have kicked your uninvited ass to the curb.
Sluggishly yours,
Lyndie
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Dear Laundry
Dear Laundry,
I've been washing, drying, folding and putting you away for nearly 40 years, since clearly there will be no end to you until I take my last breath I have decided to look into other avenues of dealing with you. I've narrowed down the choices to either hiring someone to deal with you for me or becoming a nudist and pretty much eliminating 90% of you.
Hiring a laundress (and yes, they still exist) can be costly, as much as $20-$25 per hour which would strain my budget beyond it's already thin limits, but oh the joy of not having to deal with the never-ending cycle would bring me much delight.
And then there is the nudist option, eschewing clothing all together and hanging out around the house in the altogether. The two issues I have with this idea are 1.) we have kids living at home and I'm pretty sure seeing their naked parents hanging out in the living room watching Nascar and reruns of Leverage all weekend would scar them for life and 2.) people tend to just pop by for a visit while they're in the neighborhood which might prove to be a tad awkward for them especially when we serve refreshments: "Hey, can I get you a drink?" followed by "whoops, sorry I dipped my tit in your wine".
Okay so clearly these avenues are a bit flawed, so until I can think of a better solution I guess I'm stuck being my own damn laundress. Oh well, such is life.
Forever yours,
Lyndie
I've been washing, drying, folding and putting you away for nearly 40 years, since clearly there will be no end to you until I take my last breath I have decided to look into other avenues of dealing with you. I've narrowed down the choices to either hiring someone to deal with you for me or becoming a nudist and pretty much eliminating 90% of you.
Hiring a laundress (and yes, they still exist) can be costly, as much as $20-$25 per hour which would strain my budget beyond it's already thin limits, but oh the joy of not having to deal with the never-ending cycle would bring me much delight.
And then there is the nudist option, eschewing clothing all together and hanging out around the house in the altogether. The two issues I have with this idea are 1.) we have kids living at home and I'm pretty sure seeing their naked parents hanging out in the living room watching Nascar and reruns of Leverage all weekend would scar them for life and 2.) people tend to just pop by for a visit while they're in the neighborhood which might prove to be a tad awkward for them especially when we serve refreshments: "Hey, can I get you a drink?" followed by "whoops, sorry I dipped my tit in your wine".
Okay so clearly these avenues are a bit flawed, so until I can think of a better solution I guess I'm stuck being my own damn laundress. Oh well, such is life.
Forever yours,
Lyndie
Monday, June 30, 2014
Dear Chocolate Chex
Dear Chocolate Chex,
Why do you have to be so delicious? It's totally unfair, especially since I bought you for Mitchell to eat and now I'm going to be forced to hide your empty box and pretend that I never brought you home from the grocery store. Our secret relationship is making my life difficult and I think it's best that we stop seeing each other and move on with our lives.
Adios my sweet,
Lyndie
Why do you have to be so delicious? It's totally unfair, especially since I bought you for Mitchell to eat and now I'm going to be forced to hide your empty box and pretend that I never brought you home from the grocery store. Our secret relationship is making my life difficult and I think it's best that we stop seeing each other and move on with our lives.
Adios my sweet,
Lyndie
Friday, June 27, 2014
Dear New Neighbor
Dear New Neighbor,
I see you own an small dog. That's delightful, I think everyone should have a furry little friend to love. The reason I am writing you is that perhaps you are unaware of the impact of and possible danger to your adorable little companion.
First off, you should know that our city is a "dogs must be on leashes" city. Although animal control rarely ventures onto our quiet, little street, there have, in years past, been citations given out to owners of unleashed dogs. I know this because I have been the recipient of one of those unpleasant citations. So, if you're planning on walking your dog off your property, use a leash. If you don't have one, I'd be delighted to give you one of mine. In fact, I can just leave one on your door step while you're at work today.
Second, I feel should warn you about the coyotes that have made their home in the area. This, I assure you, is not an urban myth. The coyotes are real and many of us have seen them. In fact, one of our dear neighbors lost her beloved little Chihuahua to a coyote early last year. She was devastated by the loss and it served as a wake-up call to the pet owners on our block.
And finally, I feel the need to inform you that our city also has a "dog waste" law. Yes, if your flea-infested fur ball happens to leave a nasty, steaming pile of shit on any property that is not YOUR OWN then you are required, by city ordinance, to pick it up and dispose of it in a sanitary manner. If caught, the fine for this is a pocket-emptying $90, however, the real impact is by leaving of that pile of steaming crap on your neighbors lawn or parkway is that if that steaming pile gets stepped in and walked into your neighbors home or vehicle you and your crap-leaving dog will have royally pissed off this neighbor. Earning the title of "lazy-ass neighbor who lets her dog shit all over everybody's lawns and then has the audacity to just leave it there" is probably not the best thing to do as a newbie to our fine, close-knit little community, especially since avoiding that lovely moniker only requires you to carry a plastic bag and bend your lazy ass over for a few seconds. In fact, early this morning I witnessed you walking your scrawny little mutt off leash and letting it take a big old dump on "K's" finely manicured front lawn and then just casually stroll away and leave it there. Not cool, Not cool at all. Yes, I see these things, in fact, from my vantage point, I see ALL THE THINGS that go on here on our block. Ya know what, I'll just leave a roll of dog-waste bags on your door step with the leash I'm giving you that way I know you're covered...and our shoes aren't.
Peace out,
The Nosy-Ass Bitch Across the Street
I see you own an small dog. That's delightful, I think everyone should have a furry little friend to love. The reason I am writing you is that perhaps you are unaware of the impact of and possible danger to your adorable little companion.
First off, you should know that our city is a "dogs must be on leashes" city. Although animal control rarely ventures onto our quiet, little street, there have, in years past, been citations given out to owners of unleashed dogs. I know this because I have been the recipient of one of those unpleasant citations. So, if you're planning on walking your dog off your property, use a leash. If you don't have one, I'd be delighted to give you one of mine. In fact, I can just leave one on your door step while you're at work today.
Second, I feel should warn you about the coyotes that have made their home in the area. This, I assure you, is not an urban myth. The coyotes are real and many of us have seen them. In fact, one of our dear neighbors lost her beloved little Chihuahua to a coyote early last year. She was devastated by the loss and it served as a wake-up call to the pet owners on our block.
And finally, I feel the need to inform you that our city also has a "dog waste" law. Yes, if your flea-infested fur ball happens to leave a nasty, steaming pile of shit on any property that is not YOUR OWN then you are required, by city ordinance, to pick it up and dispose of it in a sanitary manner. If caught, the fine for this is a pocket-emptying $90, however, the real impact is by leaving of that pile of steaming crap on your neighbors lawn or parkway is that if that steaming pile gets stepped in and walked into your neighbors home or vehicle you and your crap-leaving dog will have royally pissed off this neighbor. Earning the title of "lazy-ass neighbor who lets her dog shit all over everybody's lawns and then has the audacity to just leave it there" is probably not the best thing to do as a newbie to our fine, close-knit little community, especially since avoiding that lovely moniker only requires you to carry a plastic bag and bend your lazy ass over for a few seconds. In fact, early this morning I witnessed you walking your scrawny little mutt off leash and letting it take a big old dump on "K's" finely manicured front lawn and then just casually stroll away and leave it there. Not cool, Not cool at all. Yes, I see these things, in fact, from my vantage point, I see ALL THE THINGS that go on here on our block. Ya know what, I'll just leave a roll of dog-waste bags on your door step with the leash I'm giving you that way I know you're covered...and our shoes aren't.
Peace out,
The Nosy-Ass Bitch Across the Street
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Dearest Blog Readers
Dearest Blog Readers,
After a lengthy, self-imposed absence from the blogoshpere, I have returned with my dry wit refreshed and I am ready to amuse and entertain you once again. Please don't take my absence personally as I was just getting my act together and preparing for the next phase in my life, which is known as the "post-menopausal I don't give a rat's ass what you think of me and I'm going to say what I want, so there" phase.
I hope that you are as delighted to read my letters as I am to share them with you,
Warmest regards,
Lyndie
After a lengthy, self-imposed absence from the blogoshpere, I have returned with my dry wit refreshed and I am ready to amuse and entertain you once again. Please don't take my absence personally as I was just getting my act together and preparing for the next phase in my life, which is known as the "post-menopausal I don't give a rat's ass what you think of me and I'm going to say what I want, so there" phase.
I hope that you are as delighted to read my letters as I am to share them with you,
Warmest regards,
Lyndie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)